Jashinmas!
by miragechick2
Summary: It's the holidays at the Akatsuki base, and Hidan wants to pull of his own relegious holiday... Jashinmas. Includes a lot of humor, a little yaoi, and overcelebration. Rated T for someone's pottymouth  cough cough... Hidan , nudity, and beer!
1. Chapter 1

1

It was a December day in the vast land of Amegakure, and the rain was continuously pouring down on the people below. Behind the mist stood two missing Nin who belonged to the Akatsuki, according to their exclusive cloaks symbolizing the organization. These two quarreling comrades stood on top of numerous ANBU ninja, masks crushed; blood on the floor, and as usual, no injuries and no scratches. The two 'zombies' were facing their defeated victims in mocking pity.

"Heh. Look at those assholes on the ground, practically bowing to Jashin-sama. Don't they look pathetic, Kakuzu?"

Kakuzu lifted his head from the ground, uninterested. "Eh. Let's move on, we completed our mission. Time is money, and it shouldn't be wasted."

Hidan smirked, laughing crazily. "You and your fucking sayings…" His attention spam ran out as usual, standing in a state of insult.

Kakuzu noticed this immediately, knowing too well that his partner would usually be satisfied with his killings. "What is it, Hidan?"

The immortal stood at a state of shock. "What the god damned hell is this shit?" he screamed from the top of his lungs, pointing to the surrounding sky in outrage.

Kakuzu's mind sparked, seeing what stood out to his baka of a partner. "Snow?"

He was right. Thousands of snowflakes came hovering down onto the two zombies, replacing the rain of Amegakure, and one landed on the nose of Hidan. He shook it off violently.

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FUCKING MEANS?" Hidan faced his partner, scythe in hand, almost too close to his fellow member.

Kakuzu was about to lose it any minute. "What…"

Hidan exploded. "IT'S JASHINMAS!"

The five hearted Akatsuki member had nothing to say. He had to put up with Hidan since six months ago, and yet, he was more furious than ever with his 'precious' god Jashin. Jashin this, Jashin that… he was on the verge of removing every part of Hidan and feeding the scraps to Zetsu, the bipolar plant. "And what the hell is this Jashinmas…?" Kakuzu muttered, twitching his left eye from the insanity his death-obsessed zealot of a comrade.

Hidan screamed into the open air, his breath evaporating and appearing visible in the atmosphere. He pulled Kakuzu's cloak into him, staring him into his stitched and masked face. Kakuzu shrank back at Hidan's furious expression. "Jashinmas? You have no idea what Jashinmas is… you dumbass… it's the most fucked up holiday in the world!" He jumped and stomped childishly on the now snow covered carcasses. "You decorate the tree, I get to have my slaughterfest for Jashin-sama, and on that day, Jashin sends one of his angels to bring presents for all of the evil boys and girls of the world!"

Kakuzu sighed darkly. "You mean… Christmas?"

Hidan scoffed, almost choking on what his comrade thought. "No, you dumbass… that holiday is for mother fuckers… Jashinmas rules that other religion!"

Kakuzu stiffened in the snow covered ground. If this stupid holiday was just like Christmas, he would be the one in charge of purchasing all of the gifts, the décor, and emptying his wallet. That's not going to happen.

"Hidan… we're not doing this. It's final," he directed his lesser partner when both of them were walking to the Akatsuki base, leaving the bodies of the ANBU ninja buried in the snow.

"Well too fucking bad. I know for a fact that you are a cheap bastard and don't appreciate the Jashinmas spirit… you dumbass non-believer," Hidan pounded threateningly, "Besides, the whole organization will agree with me, and we'll all celebrate with huge amounts of beer and you'll be in the corner, bitching and complaining."

Kakuzu gave Hidan a mean, superior stare. "That's not going to happen, you baka."

Hidan folded his arms and stuck his tongue out like a five year old. "It will on my Jashin-blessed ass. You'll see."

. . .

Pein was settling on his desk, looking over papers. His mind was at ease, and nothing was to disturb him today. With a sigh, he was finished with his work and placed the pile in the folder next to him. This day was perfect. Nothing got in his way, and surprisingly, Tobi was in a quieter mood. That's all that mattered. Nothing was in his way-

"LEADER!"

_Oh blessed me, _Pein thought, rubbing the temples of his head in annoyance, _Not Hidan…_

The Jashinist burst into the room, arms in fists, raised high in the air. "It's almost Jashinmas! We need to have a fucking holiday! We've been working our asses off!"

Kakuzu followed in a limp, practically too tired to move. "Leader… don't listen to him… it's only more money lost from our savings…"

Leader stood up, irritated. "You mean… CHRISTMAS?"

Hidan gave an anime sweatdrop. "Sort of… you see, it's the same fucking thing, except for evil people… and we all need a break."

Kakuzu sighed in obvious annoyance, while leader mused. "How about we discuss it at the next meeting… which by the way, is tonight. My members will vote, and if we can, we'll celebrate. We may need a break… but I do remember the last holiday you dragged us into… Halloween." He shuttered, flashbacks of past memories of Jashin's other holiday, Halloween.

"God damn it, that's all over, you dick," Hidan muttered.

"Fine, a line is crossed about whether to celebrate this irrelevant holiday," Kakuzu declared, "But please… if we do this by miracle of vote, then Leader," he directed his attention to Pein, "Don't make me pay." The zombie duo left, both yelling at each other, the door closed behind them.

Pein sat down in his chair with a thud, staring at the door. _Oh god, not another freaking Jashin holiday… Halloween even scared me to death, with Tobi streaking down the hall and Kisame intoxicated with all of that beer… he vomited onto Konan on our date! And Itachi was afraid of clowns and ended up burning with the whole base with Ameterasu… and Orochimaru tried to break in and rape Itachi! Ugh… _Leader slammed his head onto the desk and tears stared forming from all of the bad memories the last Jashinist celebration. _I'm really starting to reconsider this…_

**Me: Yay! Chapter One is finished! *smiles***

**Hidan: Hey! My story, bitch!**

**Kakuzu: Don't even try, you baka.** **She's the one paying us to host this stupid party…**

**Me: Yep! *laughs manically in the background* Bribery is the perfect plan... Kakuzu-kun…? *whimpers and gives him the big eyes trick***

**Kakuzu: *annoyed* What?**

**Me: *whispers in his ear* Five bucks if you tell the readers to comment! *snickers and sneaks in a Lincoln in his cloak pocket***

**Kakuzu: Fine, fine. *to readers* Please comment on anything on this stupid story, whether it's good, bad, interesting, or telling us what you want to include. Miragechick2 will answer all questions on the next update before the next chapter. *sighs***

**Me: Yayz! You're a lot easier to use than Hidan…**

**Hidan: Oy! I fucking heard that, ho!**

**Me: *whispering to Kakuzu* Another Lincoln if you decapitate Hidan…!**

**Kakuzu: *grabs it quickly* Don't tell any of the members about this little scheme going on.**

**Me: *salutes Kakuzu as he runs to behead Hidan* I WON'T! *clicks the stop button on the recorder and smiles evilly***


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys!**

**This chappie's a little longer than the first one, but please, by the words of Jashin (haha!), review. Comment, say anything you want, do something productive. (YOUR COMMENTS MAKE MY FREAKING DAY!)**

**Okay, a few things changed:**

**No full out swears. I'm kinda tired of using all of this bad language, and so… the words said (HIDAN ESPECIALLY) will be starred out. You'll know what swears, but they'll be bleeped out. No full blown cussing, though it makes me laugh. Just wanna be safe, ya know.**

**Also, this won't be just Akatsuki in this. Every character will show later. Trust me. One big ass party… and yes, ass will continue to be said, to me, it's not really a swear.**

**Fav, review, follow. You know the drill, sergeants!**

2

Itachi stood watching the snowflakes out of the window across from him in his room, and sighed to himself. It was snowing heavily, and the fact that he wouldn't spend another Christmas with his secretly treasured brother would pain him yet again. Sasuke was still with that pedophile freak Orochimaru and his glasses wearing nerd sidekick Kabuto, and he's probably listened to too much Michael Jackson his ears had probably exploded. Itachi sighed yet again, quickly getting out of his seat and moving towards the living room… he was having the case of nostalgia.

He opened the door into the living room and spotted his partner sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels in boredom. The blue man recognized Itachi and grinned, showing a variety of sharp teeth.

"Hey, Itachi-san," greeted Kisame formally, "Here, come on, it's shark week on the Discovery Channel."

As much as Itachi wanted to join (note the heavy sarcasm), there was something tugging on his brain. "Kisame."

"Hm?"

"Don't you think, you know, that bad feeling you have in your stomach that we're going to have… another holiday? Remember the Halloween festivities last year?" Itachi shuttered, and then checked the window in a panic in search for any other stalkers, like his, Orochimaru. That snake-loving pedophile won't get him anywhere. Kisame laughed harshly about that previous night.

"Ha! You almost got kidnapped by Oro-snake; Tobi had a crazy sugar rush on his candy and Redbulls, Hidan sacrificed everyone at the party, Zetsu tied me up and tried to roast me on the stake…" He shivered, twitching his left eye, "… and I got totally DRUNK!"

Itachi coughed, rolling his almost-blind eyes in ignorance. "Not a good hangover, Kisame. Next time, ease on the amount of liquor you consume."

Kisame only paid attention to the Great White killing the other men on board a ship on Shark Week. "Yeah, yeah, like always. You gotta lighten up, Itachi. Besides, I think we'll have another celebration soon, since it's been a while. Besides, you like parties, right! God…!" Kisame turned to face him, "… you can't be totally emo all of the time! Beer, bed… girls…" He drooled mockingly as Itachi rolled his eyes again.

"Kisame, you haven't hit on a girl since blue balls. Besides, I attract all of the females."

The shark-man's face was covered in a shadow of embarrassment while Itachi hadn't even twitched the corner of his mouth in victory. He never shared his emotions with others, well, except for his therapist whom he killed last Monday. Hm, it wasn't a great loss, but he was the only one he could confess comfortably about his problems.

"You f***ing morons! We have a s***ty meeting to go to, now!"

…and Hidan was one of his problems.

Hidan came charging in, scythe at hand, huffing and puffing, narrowed eyes on the two partners. "You two assholes… guess what…"

Kisame smiled devilishly. "You're going to find a possible way to do suicide!"

Hidan growled, shining his tri-weapon in the shark-man's face. "Jashin has always liked sushi…"

Itachi sighed, knowing where this could end up. "What, Hidan?"

The immortal zealot was grinning as Kisame almost fainted by the looks of Hidan's murder weapon. "We have… JASHINMAS! Well… maybe, if we all decide on it."

Kisame got up, blinking in a daze, scratching his head. "You mean… Christmas, you know, with the elves and Santa and the reindeer, and the presents thing?"

"No you dumbass, JASHINMAS! Probably the best f***ing holiday in the world! And we'll have another party!"

Kisame perked his blue head up, looking around. "Party?" Then he faced Itachi with the puppy-dog face. "Party, Itachi-san!" Then he smirked in success, jumping off the sofa. "DUDE, LET'S F***ING PARTAY!"

Itachi pulled on his rambunctious friend's collar and pushed him to the couch. "Yes, Hidan-san, we'll be there, but please, do not swear in my presence. It bugs me."

Hidan grinned evilly, flipping him off. "Go f*** yourself, b****." He left running, secretly afraid of the tortures planned ahead from the master of torture, Mr. Sharingan himself.

Itachi closed his eyes, in another state of depression. He was surrounded by insane idiots.

. . .

Leader sighed as he came up onto the platform in front of all of the assembled members. _Damn, _he thought, crossing his fingers together, _I hope this is a failure._

"Hope this is good, hmm, I had to skip completing my art sculpture," Deidara grumbled, flipping back his blonde ponytail in annoyance.

"Yeah, and Tobi was in the middle of watching Tobi's favorite show… Teletubbies!" yelled the masked member, squealing in joy. "Oh, Senpai, you have to watch it!"

Deidara scoffed. "And freaking blow myself up for watching the meanings of insanity, hmm? Tobi, that crap is for three year olds-"

Tobi jumped on his friend, his cheekbones lifting up his mask. "-but Teletubbies taught me how to sing my ABC's! Listen, A B C D EEEEE F GEEEE…!" Deidara covered his ears, cringing in hatred of his obnoxious partner.

Hidan turned to Kakuzu in support. "This will come through, I f***ing promise," he saluted, grinning pleasantly, "Jashin's birth will be celebrated by every d***, every b****, and all of those other unworthy assholes! And you won't stop this from happening!"

The five-hearted member turned the other way, avoiding his partner. "On my ass, and I still remember last year, and all of the crap I had to deal with because of it. My paycheck was cut in half the next day… IN HALF! There's no way that party is going to happen."

Hidan smirked. "Everyone had a good f***ing time, even you did, for an old man like you… remember… Delilah?"

Kakuzu's eyes shot open immediately. "That was a while ago Hidan-"

"-and she totally hit on you, she spiked you that drug Halloween night, you streaked across the hall, and she posted it all on YouTube! 14 million and still counting! Those b****es for our fangirls love a naked Akatsuki member!"

He couldn't take it anymore. Tentacles sprung from his back, wrapping around Hidan's neck, continuously going until his body was covered. "One more word about that girl and your head will be decapitated and played with for our weekly basketball game."

Hidan shuttered, he was reminded of the last time he'd pissed off Kakuzu, and that old bastard was going to feed him to Zetsu if he wanted to. The immortal nodded rapidly, his mouth covered, and Kakuzu sighed, letting him go. Hidan stirred, shaking his head and taking countless breaths. "F*** you, you old d***."

Itachi and Kisame had just sat down, after being annoyed by the immortal Jashinist to come to the meeting. The Uchiha had just called Dr. Phil for another appointment, mainly about Sasuke, and Kisame had folded both hands on his back, smirking. "Hopefully this works out, huh Itachi-san?"

Itachi sighed in the usual "Hm", but answered after that. "Who do you think we'll be inviting if this celebration happens? People from all over?"

Kisame laughed. "Hell, yes. Konaha, Kiri, Suna, and even…" he shuttered, "Oro's village. Maybe Sasuke will come, who knows." The shark-man stretched, lying comfortably on the seat. "And more fangirls, I'm sure. Heh, I remember one who just wanted to make out with me, what was her name… ah, yeah, Selena. Hot girl too… so there, Itachi, I have hit on a girl, even with blue balls."

Itachi wasn't paying attention after the name Sasuke came up. He'd finally be able to see his unfortunate baby brother from Konaha again, but only with Orochimaru along with him. He couldn't tell what scared him more, Orochimaru himself or the fact that Sasuke left for him. He twitched as the Leader stood tall and fakely superior on the podium.

Leader banged on the wooden podium, trying to get everyone's attention, but nothing worked. Tobi was singing off key to the alphabet song, Deidara was trying to cover his sensitive ears from hearing more crap from Tobi, Hidan was freely swearing while Kakuzu wasn't paying attention to anyone, counting his money nervously, wanting to see if anyone took any of his savings. Itachi was eyeing Leader, wanting him to get this stupid meeting over with, and Kisame was laughing at the sight of a defenseless Deidara and a tone-deaf Tobi. Zetsu was always in the corner, and Konan stood by the side, making a flirty face at Leader. They had been going out for four years, and Leader turned pink as everyone finally looked up at what was their boss.

"Oy! Look at this s***! Leader and Konan, sitting up in a f****ing tree…" Hidan yelled, laughing at the same time. When Leader found this out, his blushing face had begun to grow all over, turning his pierced face pink with love and embarrassment. Konan eyed Leader, and then blushed as he did.

"… K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Wow! Look at how Teletubbies can teach Tobi to spell!" Tobi shouted; both hands up in the air.

Leader had enough, pounding his fist onto the podium strongly. Every member kept shut, and all of them knew about his temper. Satisfied, he slouched into a comfortable position, Rinnegan eyes scanning every one of his subordinates.

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes another 'Pain' in a baby carriage," whispered Kisame to Itachi, who tried to crack a joke, but Itachi the unemotional Uchiha stared boringly ahead.

Leader groaned, having the annoyance to announce the new info. "Okay, okay, let's get this over with so that I can finally sleep… here we go, Hidan what's the thing called again?"

Hidan stood up, extremely offended by his boss' comment. "JASHINMAS, YOU PIECE OF SH-"

Leader had more important matters besides the name of the stupid holiday. "WHATEVER. I didn't have my caffeine today, so just, all of you, rest assured. We'll just do this whole holiday thing in voting. Sound good, or will I need to repeat myself… AGAIN?" He was yelling directly at a certain masked member, who looked like he was dozing in his seat, murmuring to himself. "WAKE UP, YOU BAKA, HMM!" Deidara shouted into his partner's ear, trying to get him into reality. Tobi stretched, hitting his Senpai in the face by air-punch, and came yawned again. As Kisame howled at the scene in the back row, Tobi had looked down at an unconscious Deidara, totally knocked out. Tobi twitched his head to the ground. "Senpai…? OMG, I killed Dei Senpai!"

Kakuzu couldn't take it anymore. He exploded in rage, grabbed Tobi by the legs with his tentacles and threw him in the corner repeatedly. He smiled as Tobi's pleads rang well within his ears. After a few minutes he racked Tobi and tied him up, placing him onto his chair without reason to move any part in his body. Tobi sighed, now he knew he shouldn't mess with Kakuzu-san.

"Can we get this thing over with?" Kakuzu asked exhaustingly, "I want an end immediately."

Leader sighed. "For once, Kakuzu, I agree with you… okay, who here wants the damned party?"

Hidan, Kisame, Konan, and White Zetsu raised their hands. Four.

Black Zetsu forced his other self's hand down to his side in defiance. "I think we should all remember the time from last year's Halloween."

"But what about the fun stuff we did? Sure, we were high on weed killer, but we got over it!" White Zetsu answered positively.

"No way in hell!"

"Yes, we're doing it!"

"SHUT THE F*** UP!" Hidan screamed into the open air, causing all members to cease in their places.

Leader blinked, interested and surprised that Hidan's compulsive swearing worked on cooling down his subordinates. "Okay, um… *cough* thanks Hidan *cough*. Hands of no party and we continue on our regular duties.

Sasori, Itachi, Kakuzu, Black Zetsu, and Leader raised their hands immediately. Five. Leader grinned.

"Oh, looks like no party," cooed Kakuzu mockingly to his partner. "What a pity we can't celebrate Jashin like you do, and waste the money in my pockets; well you know what, bud?" The five hearted immortal stood up like a rocket and waved his wallet in the air in greed. "NO PARTAY! OH POOR JASHIN, HIS NUMBER ONE FOLLOWER NOT CELEBRATING THE DAY HE WAS BORN! No Jashinmas! No Jashinmas, NO JASHINMAS! Yahoo!"

Tobi stuttered. "Um, you may be wrong about that, Kakuzu-san. Tobi haven't voted since you tied Tobi's hands together, and Dei is sleeping. Shh, everyone… he doesn't want to be disturbed!"

Leader twitched his eye. "And what do you say… Tobi?"

Tobi's cheekbones rose, making his mask rise as well. "TOBI WANTS TO CELEBRATE SANTA!"

Hidan cracked his knuckles fiercely. "If someone mentions that god damned word…" Tobi flinched, and screamed. "Senpai! Senpai!"

Amazingly, the whole group of Akatsuki criminals turned in shock to see Deidara rise up from the ground, fully conscious, and blinking, confused. "Wha…? Hmm."

Tobi tried to communicate with Deidara as he pushed himself off the ground. "Deidara Senpai, do you want the party?"

Deidara mused aloud, making various grunting noises like yeah, or hmm. Then he smiled. "I remember the fireworks that night; I made them with my art, after all, hmm." He flipped his blonde ponytail to his shoulders.

Sasori muttered something in the lines of: "Art my ass", but the vain Deidara pressed on, making the intensity and nervousness in the room frightening. "'I guess, yeah. I had a bang."

Kisame, Black Zetsu, Konan, Tobi, and Hidan all sang glory to the hallelujah and raised their hands in the air in celebration while Sasori, Itachi, White Zetsu, Kakuzu, and Leader needed a rest, dropping their heads in saddening loss. Deidara high-fived Tobi, and Hidan had the chance of a lifetime. When his partner was not paying attention, the immortal Jashinist grabbed his wallet from his hand and ran off with it, screaming: "PARTAY AT THE AKATSUKI HIDEOUT! IN YOUR FACES: JASHINMAS WILL BE THE S***!"

While Kakuzu was in hot pursuit, Leader slammed his head onto the podium in defeat. It was all settled. There will be Jashinmas.

_Oh bloody me, I hope it's not like last time…_

**Me: Again, review. Or YAMATO will come to your house and terrify you to death.**

**Yamato: What am I doing here? Isn't this mostly an Akatsuki fanfic?**

**Me: Well, if you scare Naruto with those soulless eyes of hate, then everyone will be scared enough they'll have to write a review *thunder and lightning in the background***

**Yamato: You're an evil child.**

**Me: And for me, it's eleven at night, and I'm writing this. Now please, just do it. Or maybe Sai can come over…**

**Yamato: Fine, fine. *does scary, shadowed, big blacked eyed stare to creep out people* Review. Or fright will haunt you.**

**Me: Haha! Fright, like when people first see your face! *high-fives Sai* How about some ice for that BURN?**

**Yamato: God help me...**

**Sai: Just keep your emotions in, sensei, please. Don't look upset.**

**Me: And this is coming from the emo gay man. Nice.**

**Sai: *totally embarrassed on hitting on Naruto* You're a horrible b****, aren't you?**

**Me: Heh, you need better than that, emo! I've been told.**

**Sai: *looks down in sadness* Aw, that was a good one, too.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, y'all!**

**Yeah… it's been a while, but those of you still reading… thanks a bunch. Give yourself a cyber cake.**

**Same rules apply. There's no real swearing, and hopefully it's funnier. Humor is the while reason for making this story (and also matching up characters to talk with each other), so go nuts, and start reading for Pete's sake!**

**Comments:**

**-Mizudastuz (chap.1): Thanks, and Congrads! First sane person to respond! Yahoo!**

**-RuuunItsJasmine (Chap.1): Pikachu! Haha, and thanks for the review. Appreciate it!**

**-pezze234 (chap.1): One word can say a lot hehe. And I freaking love your profile pic. (If you couldn't tell, I'm a huge Itachi fan)**

**-ForbiddenLove25545 (chap.1): December 10****th****! Yayz! It's funny, my birthday's on December 14****th****, maybe… ah ha! It should be on my b-day! Thanks for the review, and your excitement! Makes my day. **

**And… those were the comments for the past two chapters! TA DA! So I really like when people review my stuff, so read, review, I don't know, for positive stuff, criticism, and possible ideas…? Just do it. And I'll post your comment, responding. It's a win-win, peoples!**

**So have fun with the story, and go nuts reading it! (Just remember to fav and review!) :P **

3

"Tobi likes the teddy bear… no, no, wait! Tobi loves the pony! Oh please, Deidara Senpai, we have to get it! Please? Tobi is a good boy!"

The duo of Deidara and Tobi were out shopping for Jashinmas decorations, with Deidara dressed up as a mother (don't ask, Leader made him), and Tobi as a baby. But once Tobi's eye was caught in the toy section, he wouldn't stop bugging Deidara about the big plush horse on the top shelf. "Senpai, it's so pretty and pink!"

Deidara couldn't stand it anymore. He was on the verge of suicidal exploding, pheh, like that would ever happen. "Tobi! Shut up! People are looking at us… and we're at Wal-Mart, for art's sake, hmm! Besides, we need to get the decorations, hmm!"

"But Tobi's been a good boy this year, and look! The pony's got little flowers on its butt!"

Deidara sighed. He couldn't stand another minute of his partner's annoyance. He passed by the toy section, which then Tobi threw a fit and threatened Deidara with his Sharingan (he knew that Tobi was Madara), but he pushed the cart along with Tobi in it. One woman stopped and cooed.

"Oh, what a cute baby!" she complemented, bringing her own baby to play with Tobi. "What's his… or her name?"

Deidara sighed. This was a stupid idea from the start. All the Akatsuki had taken pictures of Mommy and Baby and were selling them on eBay for millions for funds on the Jashinmas party. _How humiliating, hm, _he thought as he looked menacingly at Tobi.

"This is Tobi," Deidara replied in a falsetto woman's voice.

"That's pretty good for a girl's voice, Senpai," Tobi whispered, the mother catching that.

"Shut up, hm! We're on a mission, hmm!" Deidara hissed back, and then tried to smile at the lady, but she ran away with the baby clutched in her hands. He wasn't paid enough for this.

"This is not a bang," the blonde concluded, raising a finger, "I should be in charge of decoration. Fireworks would be a bang."

"Uh, remember last year when you blew up the church?"

Deidara had thrusted a rattle into Tobi's mouth. "That was Halloween, hmm. Now, shut the hell up, and let's go and pick whatever out."

Tobi, saddened by the temper of his partner, had cried loudly, and with that, all other babies in the store had exploded into tears. Deidara narrowed his eyes. "I really hate you, Tobi."

. . .

"I can't believe Leader wanted us in charge of the invites!" Kisame squealed in delight! "I can invite all the Seven Swordsmen-"

"If you're talking about Zabuza and Haku, forget it. No cross-dressers and their boyfriends," Itachi concluded, licking an envelope.

"That means Deidara and Sasori can't come," the blue skinned man retorted, grinning in mockery.

Itachi sighed. "Okay, fine. Mail them."

" How about… um, Oro-"

"Hell no. He tried to rape me, remember?"

Kisame jumped out of his seat. "I was intoxicated and couldn't remember anything for the next day, geez! Besides, he'll end up crashing anyways."

Itachi sighed. This will be a long list. He couldn't understand why Leader assigned him and Kisame to mail everyone to come. Oh wait… Hidan blackmailed him for an awesome party in exchange for a picture of him and Konan making out on the top floor. He could have just told Leader that everybody knew about that. But he decided to keep that to himself for amusement.

"How about Sasuke and the kyuubi?"

Itachi's red eyes widened. "Oh god, um, fine, the kyuubi can come, but my insolent brother… he lacks hatred…"

Kisame sighed. "Seriously, you vow this thing every day, and he's going to kick your ass later. Just invite the kid besides, Suigetsu's coming if he's coming, and I challenged him to a drinking contest."

"No offence, but your village is drunken. Everything is war over there-"

"And that's why I left!" Kisame argued, standing up, two arms up, letters flying everywhere and onto the ground, "…They don't know how to PARTY!"

"Mangekyo-"

"Okay, OKAY! I'm quiet!" Kisame sat obediently, and Itachi scoffed. His partner was always afraid of his gen-jutsu since he used it on him and he was roasting on the barbeque for 72 hours. Kisame couldn't stand for a month. "Sheesh, take a happy pill once and a while…"

"You know what? I'll invite Sasuke."

Kisame straightened up. What did he just say? "Whoa, whoa, what about the whole 'I hate my bro' thing?"

Itachi shrugged. "I want to challenge him to a little contest." The Uchiha smiled, and Kisame gave him a suspicious face. "Okay… are you sure?"

"Hell yes. Now write the damn letter," Itachi grinned wildly, and Kisame swore he heard thunder and lightning in the background. The Shark Man rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Yes, master," he moaned sarcastically, then wrote Sasuke's name on the envelope.

. . .

"YEAH! OH F***ING YEAH!"

"Shut the hell up, you idiot! We're in a freaking grocery store."

The two 'zombie' members had been told to get the food for the party. As long as the food wasn't people (Zetsu), fish (Kisame would not eat his own kind), and sugar (Tobi and last Halloween), they were fine. Hidan grinned to himself. Leader never said not to get beer.

"Oy, Kakuzu! Let's get some booze!"

Kakuzu wanted t kill him, except that he couldn't. Immortality was cruel sometimes. "No. No. No."

"Then how about some snacks? Doritos?"

"No. Too expensive."

"Some f***ing punch, at least?"

"No. Reminds me of blood, and everyone in the room will die from my rampages. Me and Juugo."

Hidan cried, causing other people to give weird looks. "Come on, you old d***! I don't care if you s*** your pants about the price, it's f***ing Jashinmas! Get into the spirit a little bit!"

Kakuzu didn't listen. He was trying to get Hidan away from the figure outside the market. "Hidan, we should go…"

"What?" Then the Jashinist saw him. An old man in a red suit with a white beard was standing outside for the hope of donations to the Salvation Army. Hidan's blood started boiling with anger.

"Santa! Let me f***ing sacrifice you!" He ran probably about ten feet, and tackled the costumed man onto the ground, pulling out his scythe. Kakuzu sighed. Not again. This was the third time today. He took the groceries and left, leaving Hidan and Santa to wrestle it out… and to leave Hidan there for a little bit.

**Me: And Santa's down! I think I saw Santa got tackled once in a movie, kinda gave me the idea... anyways, who's here today?**

**Sasuke: F***. I am.**

**Me: Oh boy! I get the avenger Uchiha! You know, I'm a big fan of your brother, and well, um… do you have his telephone number?**

**Sasuke: Why not me? I'm hot!**

**Me: You're eh. Look at what you've done also. Sakura loved you, and you broke her heart. Karin loved you, well, in a creeper obsessive stalkerish way, but you literally broke her heart. How about them apples? **

**Sasuke: I don't love them. **

**Me: Is there someone else? Like… NARUTO?**

**Sasuke: What? NO! **

**ME: Review or you'll have to see the secret picture hidden under Sasuke's pillow at night about him and Naruto-**

**Sasuke: No! Why do you have that?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, I know what you're going to think, that I haven't updated in forever, and blah blah blah, but here I am! Jashinmas is officially running and in business!**

**So here are the comments:**

**-ArtIsABangDeidaraLove4ever (chap.3): Wow. That was long, but an epic review! Well, thanks! Yeah, thinking about Tobi running around naked as Old Man Madara is KINDA scary, but look at the bright side! He won't know! I don't judge you! Jashin rules! It should be declared as a new holiday! :D**

**-xAsphyxiate (chap.3): Yessss imagine Hidan in a present then you unwrap it and there he is! Merry Jashinmas, awesome reviewer! *gives you wrapped up Hidan for Jashinmas!***

**-Jynxy119 (chap.3): I will never stop this series, and thanks very much for your positive review! (hugs to you too!)**

**-OsuwariKawaii (chap. 1): Well, well, if it isn't my favorite reviewer, and my kohai! Jashin shall save us all from Hidan's hotness.**

**-OsuwariKawaii (chap.2): Well, thanks! (extra exclamation point thrown in) :D **

**-OsuwariKawaii (chap.3): That's exactly what I was thinking when I wrote that Santa bit in there. Poor Santa at the Salvation Army, then Hidan just tackles him to the ground like that. ): Oh, there shall be shame upon the dreaded Emo Bird-headed Sas-GAY.**

**-DeadlyToaster (chap.3): Oh, hey, it's you! :D Well *blushes* thanks very much, and check out more! Hope you like it!**

**Okay, so there are all of them, so read, review (I love comments and feedback, if you hadn't noticed), and keep following the random, and sometimes bloody adventures of Hidan, Akatsuki, and freaking JASHINMAS! (Warning: I do not own the Akatsuki and Hidan, though I really want to, and also NSA on YouTube. Check out CanadianJutsu, and the Naruto Abridged Series, they're awesome!) **

**Have fun, kiddies! (Wow, that's something Oro himself would say… to Sasuke… 0_0)**

4

Leader sunk under his desk, reading his porno's and Playboys he confiscated from Kisame. He probably cried for a day when he couldn't get his hands on the newest issues, and Itachi never slept that night. Oh well. Kisame's loss, his gain.

"Pein?"

Oh, f***, Konan! "Hey babe!" Leader popped from under his desk, sweating like heck, trying to conceal the best magazines he's ever laid eyes on. "What's up? Are my subordinates ready…" he sighed. "…to decorate?"

Konan decided not to tell Pein about the magazines still visible from under his desk. "Well, yeah, that's another problem. Hidan-"

"Oh me, don't say anymore," He lay down, scratching his head, "They're all back from shopping, right?"

"OY! PAIN IN THE F***ING ASSHOLE!"

No other human being in the right mind would say that other than that idiot. Kakuzu came in, something behind his back, exhausted. "Um, Leader, we came from the grocery store, and Hidan… well, we have a particular man's head decapitated from his body…" Kakuzu didn't want to stare at it too long, so he took it out and Pein almost gagged while Konan just stared and said nothing as usual. There was Santa's head, bloodied and with widened eyeballs.

"And to tell you, otherwise… it's Hidan's fault."

Hidan exploded in, scythe in hand. "OLD D***! HE DESERVED IT! JASHIN SHOULD BE PROUD!" Then he saw Konan, not to mention, the only girl in Akatsuki. Hidan jelled his hair back into an even older mannish look and out one finger tightly in his mouth. "Hey, b****. Like this, don't 'cha?"

"Hidan, for the last time, she's my girlfriend. Not yours. Get over it."

"F*** YOU."

Kakuzu was tired. He had Hidan all day, shopping. And he had the always simple argument with the cashier and decided to take one of his hearts and freeze dry it for later. And on the way back, Hidan had told him to (censor) off probably four times. And to top it off… he was in a bad mood.

"Hidan, if you don't shut up, my tentacles will come and rip that big head along with that small brain off your neck and leave you to freeze dry along with the heart I stole… got it? Or will we have to see the deer again?"

Hidan's poisonous eyes widened, having been tortured by the torturous deer and their leader… SHIKAMARU. "Oh Jashin, not him… not those devils of animals…" He got into proper beetle position and rocked multiple times while Konan gave him the WTF look. Leader then commenced.

"Okay then, Kakuzu, we spent some of your money…" Kakuzu growled intentionally, "… and also from the supports from the Deidara and Tobi picture… which indeed was priceless… I've always wanted to see what Deidara looks like in a dress…" Leader spaced out while Konan stepped mercilessly on his foot.

"Looks like Leader pissed himself for the third time today…" Kakuzu noted, while Konan giggled innocently.

"Just… get… everyone… in the meeting… now," groaned Pein, trying not to act like a wimp.

. . .

"Okay, so who did you invite and send letters to, Kisame?"

"This is a long list here, um, well, the Kyuubi and his little friends, Sasuke and the gang, the Sand Siblings, Killer Bee, Well, he is the DJ, um, Danzo-"

"You… invited… WHO?"

Kisame stuttered. Itachi suddenly got so pissed off so easily, I mean, it was a good list! "Um… Danzo…"

Itachi stared into space for a second, and when Kisame wasn't expecting it, a sucker punch came out of nowhere. "Dude, what the hell do you have against Danzo?"

"First off, that awful man took Shisui's Sharingan…" Kisame could swear that tears were cascading off of his eyes, "…and then he has a TON OF THEM… do you know how many girls he's going to take away from me?"

"Um… what-"

"Girls, Kisame, GIRLS! I know you've never felt it, but I sure have! The Sharingan attracts so many girls at one social event, and then when DANZO comes… ugh… HE'S GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY ATTRACTIVENESS! He's so freaking old, and with those eyes, he's going to take away my dignity! I've never been called ugly in my entire life, and thanks to you, he's coming with those eyes! They're not something you get out of the 25 cent candy machine! **(A/N: NSA, people. No copyright!)**

"Um, okay then… I'm going to get the big pill now, Itachi-san, and make your weekly appointment with Dr. Phil, okay?" Ugh, he hated playing Nurse Kisame.

Then out of nowhere, Leader's voice came out of the radiator in a booming way. "MEETING. NOW… KONAN, I SAID I WAS SORRY… WELL, I'M SORRY DEIDARA'S HOT IN A DRESS! WELL THEN… WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO KISSING PRIVILAGES? Wait… it's still on? Damn..."

Typical Leader, Kisame thought, dragging the hot headed Itachi with him. Hopefully he wouldn't be screwed after the party when Danzo gets all the girls. After all, he never did, except for that girl… he smiled. He had some chance. Hopefully she comes, after all, she was on the list along with the Seven Swordsmen, and probably all of Konaha, and Oro's gunna come sometime with his nerd little sidekick… but that's probably not going to happen again ever since Halloween… oh well…

. . .

"Okay, so we got everyone here, and the decorations, and the food, right Kakuzu?" Leader eyed the five-hearted treasurer, hoping that he had not been cheap with the novelty. He limped to his podium with the toe crunch Konan had given him.

"We spent a wise amount of money…" the immortal nodded regularly.

"You old d***! We got nothing but the f***ing Santa head! No chips, no beer, nothing but s***!" Well, everyone knew who had said that part.

"Are you kidding? No beer?" Kisame roared, just coming with Itachi muttering to himself about a person named Danzo.

"Well, I guess not," White Zetsu spoke. "WELL THEN, WHY DON'T WE GO NOW?" Black Zetsu growled impatiently.

"Yeah… Zetsu, you can't go to the supermarket… because since we have no Christmas-"

Hidan interrupted, jumping out of his seat. "JASHINMAS, YOU BIG PIECE OF SH-"

"Okay, okay…" he sighed for probably the sixth time today, "we need a Jashinmas tree, and you're the only thing in the organization that… somewhat looks like a tree."

"MOTHER F***ING LEADER, YOU SHALL PAY FOR IT… IN MY STOMACH," Black Zetsu complained, raising a fist in the air. "It's okay, we'll be a good Christ-"

"JASHINMAS! You big tree s***!"

"…Jashinmas tree!" White Zetsu confirmed, raising his hand to proceed.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Black retorted, pissed on one side. "But that would be nice, that would be setting a good example for Tobi, besides, that would restrain us from eating Kisame like last year."

Kisame turned purple and ducked down.

"Okay, okay," Leader yelled, ordering everyone to stop talking, "then Zetsu's our tree. What do we have for food?"

Silence filled the air. Nothing, just as Leader thought. "Then Kisame and Itachi are going to the grocery store to get some decent food… and hopefully things that won't explode in our faces, Deidara, anti-fish related, Kisame, and spicy hot wings, Itachi. I don't care how hot they are, they taste like GOD. Well, I guess the thing is that you are what you eat… but anyways, you both will go to the store, Hidan and Kakuzu will set up the decorations-"

"And what about Senpai and Tobi and Sasori-no-tall?"

Sasori interrupted. "You're an idiot, Tobi. At least I have the talent and the brains in this group."

"I'm offended, hm! Art is an EXPLOTION!"

Thank god Leader had his whistle with him. He blew it loudly, and everyone froze. Ah, the magic whistle. "You three idiots will go do whatever. I really don't care, because usually you three always screw things up."

Tobi gave a head salute while Deidara and Sasori were still arguing. "Yes, sir, Tobi's a good boy!"

Leader scoffed. Yeah, up yours, Madara. "Okay then, break up and get started before this all comes crashing down at us in the end! The meeting is over!"


End file.
